jayluuuuxo [:

Saturday, January 02, 2010

1/02/2010 05:49:00 AM

2O1O hibernation

okay so today well, technically yesterday. i slept from 5 AM - 10 PM thats like a 17 hour hibernation :D. so i spent my whole first day of 2O1O just sleeping. now its just about almost 6 AM and i'm still wiiiidddddeee awake. i'm a bit hungry though so i'm going to eat first and then sleep some more again. vacation is almost over :l i don't like this feeling of having to wake up earlier and sleeping earlier and stupid homework and such is going to get more stressful than it already has been. ughh. and my teachers are so wackk especially dr. carroll. well the ending of 2OO9 and the beginning of 2O1O didn't seem as great as expected.. i'm a bit sad at the fact that nothing special happened for the ending and beginning :l. all i can say now is that i hope the year progresses into a better impact for me and my loved ones. ♥ .

it's so complicated nowadays, life has become extremely boring, and has no more meaning to me whatsoever.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

12/29/2009 01:04:00 AM

ohmygod... i'm really horrible.

:] okay so michelle already knows that steven lai is starting to annoy me. first off he keeps calling me cute although a lot of people do >_> like wanli and yanlee lol. but then he expresses it with other words like gorgeous and beautiful. though when he talks its MAAD GHETTO like, seriously ghetto. well at least thats how i see it. and i dont like that lol. he uses pick up lines like 'girl no matter what i think you're maad beautiful' and such like its nice to know but repeating it too many times. then he keeps talking to me and trying to get with me. and you know how its a bit of insane to tell someone you like them even though you dont know them and had only known them for like a few days. well thats what he did. he told me he liked me after only 2 days. i thought it was insane. how could you be like that and tell them. i mean being interested in is alright but when you tell them its a absolutely different thing.

and after that i only thought of it as aweee, but really i have no intentions to be with him. dude chill, we're just friends. and THEN what really pissed me off is that he started talking to me and about MY family. since his parents fight i told him oh mine does too its normal. he starts saying that i should deal with them and get my other family members to stop them from fighting. its not physical fighting its an agressive arguement. they dont actually like kill each other. and seriously now. you cant even deal with your own parents and you're trying to help me. get real. you don't even know me so stop acting like you do. i hate that.

and when he told me he liked me it was only 2 days of talking. he BARELY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT ME. so you can't really say you like some one after only knowing them for 2 days. that made him seem really desperate. its like where the guy keeps saying oh i love you to every single girl he think he likes but really he doesn't like them he just likes the feeling of liking someone and knowing he has a girl and not the actual person themselves. thats what it makes me think of. like really now... after that you really think you could possible have any chance with me especially when i still ponder over the thoughts of another person.

and those poems. omfg. okay so he says hes a great poet. well i DO NOT THINK SO AT ALL. they basically sound really childish and they're just mainly the changed lyrics of a song. they don't have great grammar and its madd ghetto. all of them are rhymes that anyoneeeee could do. and after i kinda just about STOPPED talking to him after he talked about my family. he wrote poems like
"each tear represents how much i love you, as i wait for you, my heart starts to fade away n my body starts to give out,i cant believe you left me here heartbroken, this pain is killing me inside, its burning me,im in need, I began to bleed, I begin to search for answers for this curse, but as much as hard as i try, I still end up missing you."
dude you're basically saying youre desperate and you dont know me like that .
"My main mission is to show you that my love for you is not intermission,i know you're in a bad condition because he's hurting you,don't feel depress,hes not making any progress,please stop crying because your pain is my pain,i can be the one that changes your life,just give me a chance and ima show you romance,im not gonna be like him,always leaving you and making you sad,im always gonna be here for you and care so stop being despair,girl let me love you"
aha. no. SERIOUSLY hes gotta stop that. yea i told him i get depressed now and then but its no big deal. and so he goes ahead and he makes it a big deal wtf.. no, you cant change my mind that easily. and you really just about in my point of view obviously can't compare to him.
"My life starts another day without you,im sitting here crying my eyes out,lately i been feeling downhearted,as day and night fades away,im still wondering how our love went to astray,i miss the conversations we used to had like our dreams,our fears and how much we love each other"
i don't recall saying that i liked you nor did i say i love you. and i don't throw that love word around easily when i'm serious. i only say that to michelle and edalina and my family, basically when i'm playing around or saying i love you to my friends. but i never EVER said that once EVER to you. so whyd you use that word?
yea so that was like basically it . and he annoys me still. he keeps texting me although i give him like one worded answers or short answers that should hint 'i dont wanna talk to you' . and he still talks to me thinking thats hes funny he haha's or lol's at him self... GEEZ STOP TALKING TO ME, THERE WAS A REASON WHY I STOPPED REPLYING.

okay so other than him theres another guy. >_< i'm trying not to get caught up >_> but i don't think it's working. maybe boys are just too cute to resist??? :l it's really hard to not be interested... but i'll try crazily not to though if anything happens then i can't help it because. well. i just can't. ;]. sam has been texting me continuously since thursday or friday maybe. but it's all good i'm not expecting anything from anyone anymore.

so thats basically it; steven is annoying me out of my mind but i feel bad for him, bill just assassinated me and made me feel insane heartaches after i got home though i have no idea why, and sam's just really adorable but in the end i'm not expecting anything more than just that. i really don't want a relationship but i know it wont be helped. i'm fine the way i am now; trying only to hurt myself without hurting others.

ahh, i'm really sorry that i ever liked you. i'm just an insanely inhumane horrible being. & i hate myself :l .

Sunday, December 20, 2009

12/20/2009 01:45:00 AM

(: winter vacation is almost hereee!

:] it seems so stupid how long it's been, but i still can't let you go. now i have your tie and i just can't stop you from invading my mind. no matter how hard i try not to think about it, it always comes back.

it is now around 1:50 AM and i'm pretty darn tired, but it snowing :D yay! we're supposed to have like 4-5 inches of snow. although we will most likely still have school of course on monday.

aghh. i've been so stressed out lately. stupid school work, christmas presents and such. then theres family things and my parents are just too over rated. plus wallace. and the fact that i'll most likely have nothing to do on christmas. ughhh. it's been so lonely now a days. :l i miss being loved. it seemed so much easier when we all had someone to be there for you not as a friend but something more. it just gives you that little reason of why we want to live but then when we don't have it anymore. we hope for it, and each time its a disappointment and so we die a little bit every time.

although its been verryyyyy long since then, and i know he'll never come back. i don't plan on having anymore relationships until i really like anyone. for now, i just don't have anymore hopes and i know that no one else likes me. so i give up, i give up on relationships because i know, once it starts it's going to end badly. so i give up :l . and i definitely know i'm going to like someone or think someones hot but i can say that they'll never like me back and that when i dooo get into one. its going to just be too much stress and what not. so i just give up. for now i'll live my little life simple with out any interference and if anyone doesss like me then i'm sorry but i'm going to turn you down straight up if i really have no feelings or intentions of being with you. especially since i know i'm not going to be good enough for you nor will i ever reach to your standards.

i'm just a complete failure. i'm the mistake child.. i really am. well at least thats how i see it when i'm always compared to other kids who are better than me by far in looks, intelligence, and personality. i might as well die but if i did then you'd be mad that you wasted so much time, effort, and money on me just for me to die at such a young age. but i can't and even i can't attemp to do such things. i'm sorry that i'm not that perfet child like my brother that you've always wanted. i'm sorry that i'm really stupid and that i'm not smart enough to get all A's and B's. And i'm sorry for being so rude all the time and being so undescribably ugly, but you made me. so you can't blame absolutely everything on me nor on other people. but blame it on yourself too, that i became this way. you may think that i'm probably the worst child you have ever had and i know i am. but really? i'm the worst person or child in the whole world and that i dont appreciate you nor anything you do for me? really? do you really think that? and why is it that you always yell at me for everythinggg but yet you talk to calmly to my brother like you praise him each and every day? why is it that he is treated better than me? did i do something wrong? did i ever intend to hurt you in any way? i don't understand. no matter how hard i try and even if i try my best, i'm never good enough for you.

i've been quite depressed lately, so depressed that i could burst and explode at any moment. i'm very sensitive and take most things to heart even if its only for a joke or playing around i can understand but sometimes you have to learn to stop or else it just hurts. if you even yelled at me the slightest bit or got really mad at me or anything. i'd feel so sad, that right now, at my current state, i'd really just ridiculously burst into tears. i really just don't have much of anything but stress on my mind. i thought too much about everything this week and its just been really too hectic and chaotic for me. it just all sets me off and make me out of it. so i really don't even get how to go through with all this stress during this 'happy season'. it really isn't very happy nor cheerful at all to me. it seems more depressing, cold, and difficult for me. it just makes me feel like, i'm starting to die and decay inside..

i don't know anything anymore 2:15 AM.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

12/06/2009 12:29:00 PM

paper cranes ♥

why am i like this again?. why do you keep making me think every time. bogoshipda.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

12/02/2009 10:28:00 PM

micheoseo<3

OMO! it is now december :] winter, hot chocolate, big fuzzy sweaters, presents, ice skating, vacation, snow<3>

december is when frog pond opens and then i get to see my old friends from long ago in middle school and elementary school. mannn, the good old days. i miss them. :] oh yes, and i get to see my family more often. the cold air makes me feel at ease and at peace to relax myself from all the mess going on.

the only worst thing in life is homework and the need and desire for money. other than that, i am content.

hmm, kindergarten to nineth grade. i've known him for about ten years. now, i miss him again. i don't understand why i still do.

okay so lets see, i got stuff for michelle and edalina, my mom and brother. now i need to get a scarf for my dad [$10], and make keychains for everyone. so bill, viet, jim, henry, ricky, victoria, quynh, michelle yee, anita, abby, cindy, flora, mary, loc, johnny, jenny, sam, thomas, justin, carlton, rani, sonia, trina, melly, chris, kaitlyn, & wallace. that makes 27 so i'll make like 35 in case :] . then i have to get jack gloves [$10], lynne earmuffs [$15], meg gloves [maybe >_>] , and i'll get my three aunties, plus my mom, matching cell phone charms [$15]. i still have to spend about $50 at most. at least is about $30 or so. :P

that means: 35 keychains, scarf, gloves, earmuffs, & 4 cell charms.

wow..., i still have to get some things and it'll take a while to finish those 35 keychains. i'll start making them on the weekends :] i hope to get it all done by the time its the 22nd for edalina's birthdaaaaay then i can chillax :3 and the 24th for bill's birthdayyy :] and then christmas on the 25th <3>

HWO - AI - TING ~! [fighting!] ♥